the old soul

2012-02-20T21:33:00.002-05:00

summaire

2012-02-20T21:28:00.003-05:00

lab meat hamburgers

birth of a cell death of a star

and friends The Holiday Crowd's release party for Over The Bluffs (photos by Joseph Fuda)

2012-02-20T20:50:00.000-05:00

Sex is emotion in motion.
-Mae West

red

2012-02-20T18:23:00.003-05:00

the day after the baptism in yesterday's party dress, the means to making a better life on the floor and in the freezer.

friday night i was sitting with a friend at the bar and some guy comes up to me, shakes my hand, tells me it's a real honour to meet me then leaves. obviously i liked it. obviously he had me confused for someone else.

this footage must've been the final new year's eve nirvana celebrated together i guess. i'm currently 40 minutes in. today would've been kurt's birthday. watching this makes me feel like it's ok to live the way i want.

oatmeal pancakes and scrambled eggs. coffee in a patch of sun down the street on a corner and wondering how to make it back.

coffee in bed.

lonsdale, osheen's stuff, unfamiliar territories, til march 25th. greta, hugh and bryan.

to the church where hugh's father is buried, sort of. he's in a slot in a wall. his final resting place. the finest of men.

the church organ player must play all afternoon on saturdays, it was beautiful, it sounded baroque. we were looking at each other in the mirror. i had to look away eventually, things were getting steamy.

then to grossman's

to shake it all off. the best place to recover from a night on the town.

every saturday afternoon

this is where i first heard don't roll those bloodshot eyes at me

bryan bought greta and i real dead butterflies in frames. mine is called the hill jezebel and it's yellow and black. i'll photograph it one day for you i'm sure.

can't stay away from the addiction books. addicted to addiction books.

hier soir

2012-02-18T09:36:00.000-05:00

in love with femandlee cause they're in love with love and how to give it back i just don't know between la bel and lee no one will ever love you honestly

2012-02-17T14:33:00.001-05:00

2012-02-12T21:37:00.003-05:00

totally and completely crashed out all weekend mood like listlessness. finished reading what has been a whirlwind of drug addiction autobiographies and i've had enough of that for a while now i think but i do want to read DRY by augusten burroughs. maybe in a few months.

yesterday i went to the bristol yard and davy made this most delicious breakfast of eggs maradona, i had them without bacon, it was so good i then passed out on a bench for like four hours or something. in my fur hat and coat on me just toe up, drooling asleep. then went home and couldn't even make it to tony's had to lie in bed all night. i've stopped working on everything. i had all this writing on the go now i just can't take it, i'm so sick of it all. i talked to bryan a little last night which helped then today he came over and we went out for brunch but i could barely stand to be in public.

so we came back to my house and i did this painting which i'm quite happy with. it took about 4 minutes. the set up and take down of the event of the painting took longer than the actual painting but it doesn't matter.

Rebecca Bates- In the promotional video from Hachette you say that even as a child "the experience of being me was such that I regularly wished to die." If the wish to die was present even before becoming an addict, do you still have this fixation with death now that you are sober? If so, how do you deal with it? If not, do you think having gone through this addiction nightmare is the reason you no longer view an early death as inevitable?

Bill Clegg- It's there. It's fundamentally always there, not as a fixation or believed in solution but a drift, a tendency. It may be hard to understand but in some ways I'm grateful for it, it's a reminder of where things went, the time that I did believe death was the only answer. I deal with it, or rather I keep it from ever again seeming like the only solution by staying sober, continuing to help and to be helped by other alcoholics and addicts, and to be grateful that I didn't die so perhaps my experience - difficult and destructive though it was - can be of some use to others.

2012-02-11T23:57:00.004-05:00

ladies in waiting

korean bbq

bus stop evidence

elsa came to keep it real

over the years this ad has provided me with much laughter and hilarity and i can never put my finger on why. maybe the exclamation mark, maybe the attitude of just throwing whatever the fuck you feel like in the recycling. it's an admittance of the general public's slacker ways. i love the pictures they post beside them too. there used to be a woman looking confused holding a trike above the blue bin with really photoshopped eyebrows and S shaped lips.

the confusion aspect of the message is funny too. the slacker disguised as confused, what people actually do when no one's watching. like "uhhhh.... can't i just throw this in here?" that whole methodology of being completely out of touch with things like where your recycling goes.

it got really nice out this week

play dead, love life

BLACK COLLAR WORKERS

solar sails and such

2012-02-07T11:31:00.003-05:00

calvin's played in a band (that in my biased opinion makes some of the most original, beautiful music) called Head Phone Over Tone since 1999.

well they finally have a web page and his bandmate dan is tweeting and you can even buy their music.

2012-02-04T17:08:00.002-05:00

out loud

2012-02-04T14:38:00.000-05:00

la la land forever ever ever no holding onto the day after day after day just like love like the angriest of angers and the weakness in the water knees and no place to put it and fast asleep you are gone never here gone to call this fucking charade the charade that we are losing no distraction great enough i fear and i fear and i fear and i believe it and i can only lie here and hold that thought on the brink of this fucking yammer cause why the fuck not and who's to say who's to say who's to say i am done with that done with the word done done with it done with all i am sick and gone like hating all the people in 1984 who did the hating hating the hating hating how into it the world is i want to wreck hell lords with the silverest swords i wanna WRIP fucking spellcheck to a million trillion pieces and i wanna feel feel feel the fire sizzling out like the wickedest witch of the west burning down to down to down to some annoying tshirt that says i'm fucking melting

weekend side ponytail

2012-01-29T15:55:00.002-05:00

make it your own

2012-01-29T15:46:00.008-05:00

look, it's gonna sound preachy but it's come to my attention that some people wonder what a woman of 32 gets out of posting herself dancing around in her pajamas on her blog. first off, it's what i do when i'm home alone for hours and hours and don't want to get into trouble. so don't dis it cause it keeps me sane and healthy which is more than any person has ever done for me. and it's all part of my theory of living which is partly about not making excuses and partly about wiping out the higher than thou opinions we tend to hide behind and waste each other's time with.

it's about creating something for people who insist on comparing themselves to societal prescriptions of what makes a healthy person, what makes a beautiful person, what makes a woman, what it means to live well. i don't have answers but i want to feel ok about who i am and i imagine you do too. don't be paralyzed because you're not epic, not perfect, not memorable. in the grand scheme of things, no one is any of that and efforts in those directions read as such. you can exercise your soul and body at the same time. you can open yourself up to yourself and maybe others too. you don't need the latest, biggest anything or accolades from friends or even family clogging up your authenticity, leaving you to wonder who you are on a sunday afternoon. keep it simple and take the time to decide who you want to be right now. i do believe the rest will follow.

outta sight

2012-01-29T15:19:00.002-05:00

starlight, star bright, shine up on into the night

that's my screensaver at work thanks to a team of people who helped me get it there. what a disaster that was. i have such few privileges on my work computer it's hilarious. i can't even control alt delete end task.

what is the deal with everyone in the media and everyone everywhere suddenly pronouncing New Orleans like 'Nawlins? i hear it in sports news, at work, on the streets what is the deal? until June of 2011 we all said New Orleans. now everyone's pretending they're local? whatever.

davy and cal have hung a bunch of enlish mugs on the walls of the Bristol Yard. bryan and i framed the pics over the holidays. these are some of my faves.

i'm on an extreme backlog of photos here. i've been busy working on PRO-jects. this was the PINA night. that's the TIFF Bell Lightbox. after this i met up with Jake and Cal.

PINA was pretty inspiring. i wasn't that impressed with the 3D effect though. i saw a 3D film at the cinesphere about underwater animals when i was a kid, it was probably 1987 and people say we've technologically come so far but i don't find that to be especially true.

toronto's really into a light wood aesthetic

she'd save paradise and tear up a parking lot (or at least sing a song about something similar). these signs have been all over downtown for at least a couple months.

i still go for walks. sometimes really long ones.

mr. coogan on da wall

huron paint store

and other notifications that make me jealous of computers

pretty candles from being out with tony a couple weeks ago

there are mixed messages out there or in here or somewhere, i feel it. mixed messages about being a woman and being myself all at the same time.

bryan bought a coffee table in that store on queen and bathurst where the big bop used to be. while he was looking around, i was using the showpiece mirrors to nab photos of strangers without their knowledge.

cam's in the paper this week

bobby gillespie on da wall

2012-01-23T21:01:00.000-05:00

action packed

thanks B

2012-01-23T19:49:00.001-05:00

A is for Amy who fell down the stairs.

and other Gashlycrumb Tinies by Edward Gorey

2012-01-23T19:45:00.000-05:00

where have all the young men gone? just sayin...

2012-01-23T19:38:00.000-05:00

remember that monster of an agribusiness monsanto? they were featured in the documentary Food Inc.? remember how their goal was to force every North American farmer to only grow THEIR genetically modified and patented fruits and vegetables? remember how scary it all seemed, how helpless it felt? well guess who's here to save the day?

INDIA!

so says the huffington post, india will be pursuing charges against monsanto for

"stealing" an indigenous crop - eggplant - and using it to create a modified version without permission, a violation of India’s decade-old Biological Diversity Act.

It’s the first prosecution of a company for the act of "biopiracy" in the country, and possibly the world.

india, you rule, in so many ways. as in, you're about to rule the entire earth while we all worry about china. whatever, are we worried? are you worried? i think i might be. i can't tell anymore.

in their article How The U.S. Lost Out On iPhone Work, The New York Times says

For Mr. Cook, [Timothy D. Cook] the focus on Asia “came down to two things,” said one former high-ranking Apple executive. Factories in Asia “can scale up and down faster” and “Asian supply chains have surpassed what’s in the U.S.” The result is that “we can’t compete at this point,” the executive said.

so not only is the labour cheaper and more expert than in (north) america, the pieces of the products are more abundant, of greater variety and closest to the labour.

Timothy D. Cook

Though Americans are among the most educated workers in the world, the nation has stopped training enough people in the mid-level skills that factories need, executives say.

so we don't know how to do the things we used to do.

why does this worry me? because if we don't know how anything's made then we're paying to get stupider for lack of a better word and a case in point.

wyclef jean (i'm hearing: wee-clef-gene), maybe you were right, that in the YEAR OF THE DRAGON lots of men disappear. as quiet as it's kept, they won't be back next year.

list of play

2012-01-22T17:05:00.001-05:00

2012-01-19T16:46:00.000-05:00

and other films if they were from another place and time

2012-01-18T20:02:00.001-05:00

i am suspicious. i suspect myself. i think i might be on a mission i don't know the details of, a mission captained by subconscious drives. have you met the captain?

he always carries that sword but never uses it. i think he's afraid.

anyway, the dance will not go on. everyone go home, there will be no show tonight.

2012-01-17T22:05:00.000-05:00

2012-01-17T21:02:00.004-05:00

mirror of no one, but this feeling soaring through my chest and stomach and even into my thighs and knees, then what in the world can it be and from where does it come and it makes me crazy possessed and sad and i can't believe the wave is just in me. can such a force live only inside the self? it can not be. i can not stay to watch it take control and yet it follows me to sleep and keeps me from dreams and won't leave me alone and i am not free.

2012-01-17T15:12:00.000-05:00

i'll still like you if you decide to keep your iphone but just an FYI and in case you didn't know, it was built in part by 13 year olds working 16 hours a day for 70 cents an hour

purple ballet daze

2012-01-16T22:02:00.011-05:00

how good a spy are you?

2012-01-16T22:01:00.004-05:00

when in doubt, procatinate.

2012-01-16T21:34:00.003-05:00

usually in the beginning of the story there is an emotional loss which makes the protagonist leave on his journey

2012-01-16T21:20:00.001-05:00

2012-01-12T00:20:00.000-05:00

2012-01-11T14:13:00.000-05:00

2012-01-11T06:32:00.002-05:00

in my dreams

2012-01-10T22:30:00.000-05:00

Then I felt the insanity hit me. It's a combination of fierce loneliness and self-hate and you need to do something to yourself right away to make it go away. It's like a mental cicada. I can go months, even years, without it happening and then it's there.

From I Was In Flowers by Jonathan Ames

2012-01-10T22:05:00.002-05:00

2012-01-10T21:22:00.002-05:00

2012-01-10T21:16:00.004-05:00

steve coogan is so goddamn hot

bee

2012-01-10T20:57:00.000-05:00

better and better

2012-01-10T19:55:00.000-05:00

this is so totally awesome

2012-01-08T19:14:00.001-05:00

aint no one gonna talk me down

2012-01-05T22:55:00.001-05:00

i'll be back by the time i get home

had to fall

2012-01-04T20:17:00.001-05:00

A Letter To Our Pride

2012-01-04T20:01:00.005-05:00

A final longhand letter before the breed is gone completely. The wind is stronger here and the trees are naked and high like the helium hoisted man of yesteryear. Today he set in motion to bid an era goodbye, the misty kiss soaked in sky. The Cheshire remains of his hot air balloon.

As I write this gentle reader, his organs are corroding, his needs are brushed aside, he's trying a final try to get his woman off with something larger than his ego.

Tomorrow the shell of the man goes on sale! His arms and legs already sold to China yesterday and his brain was traded Friday in a deal between Microsoft and Apple. The papers were exchanged, hands shaken.

We the media will give you the minute to minute on his emotions in Lango POP, we will sexualize his heart and reduce his feelings to something that really hits home, something made for TV. We'll take exaggerated pauses, even tell you the information twice with the option to rewind. We'll be punchy so everyone will get it. Get it? And coming up! A one string violin traps itself inside its own case! All this and more. Tomorrow!

These final longhand moments pulse a shadow that will disappear at sunset, behind this mess of regressive landscapes.

I am sealing this note from inside my red dress. I will remember you fondly. I will talk of you often. From the ends of sincerity,

Amy

written December 25, 2011

warm again inside

2012-01-04T14:33:00.002-05:00

when cal and i first got together, we were lying in bed and he sang these words in my ear among others and it was the most beautiful thing ever and i felt like the luckiest girl in the world, still do.

walking in the sand

2012-01-04T14:24:00.001-05:00

osheen and i had a great session last night. we had wine and some delicious nuts followed by some mint julep that he brought back from kentucky.

then we went out for some of these:

then we went back to his for more wine and mint julep and hollie cook!

davy showed me hollie cook in the summer and it's been a hollie cook fest ever since. she's paul cook's daughter, that's the sex pistols drummer.

that's a letter written by charles bukowski in 1971 that osheen sent me this morning. i find it inspiring. if you click/enlarge it so it's legible, you might see why.

luck

2012-01-02T17:20:00.002-05:00

took this while my mum and i were in the car. to me it looks like a bunch of people trying to run away from all the invisible signals that are being pummeled at them for "communication" purposes. looks like ELECTROSHOCK PROPAGANDA to me.

when we brought serge and linda the music that jake gave me from calabria, we also listened to some of serge's records and had a little afternoon drink. nanna was there, it was really fun.

gailo.

there was an oil stain on college street that looked really beautiful.

there aint no cure

2011-12-31T11:19:00.003-05:00

It’s said that Beat boozer William Burroughs helped LSD guru Timothy Leary survive after a late ’80s night of raucous merriment with methadone. It makes sense that the writer might prescribe the analgesic drug for a hangover since he remained on a methadone program in his later years trying to kick his junk habit (kind of).

and other hangover cures as recommended by heavy drinkers.

picture this

2011-12-31T11:08:00.003-05:00

2011-12-30T00:19:00.000-05:00

2011: i like it better when she walks away

2011-12-29T23:28:00.002-05:00

artist unknown

solo mourning dance party on december 16

the music of southern italy on november 26

on it on october 15th

kiss off on october 10

you've lost that loving feeling on october 5

in the red on september 18

eclectic avenue on september 11

brood on august 21

never good enough on august 20

wherefore art my girl who knows on august 13

a poem for bryan on august 7

dublin to bronte on july 28

prayer to bear witness to beauty on july 14

salsa on st. clair on july 10

elicser on july 7

no more water in the well on june 12

le lion vert (qui a mangé le soleil) on june 7

highlights and soundbites on may 22

untitled on may 15

rich interior on may 14

what casts the shadow on the moon casts the light in my eye on may 8

it is for you on april 24

cruisin on april 16

let's all send more mail then shall we?/keep the postman employed on march 21

in support of living on march 5

cue chewing effect on february 26

the leafs vs the canadiens, 2nd period on february 24

wall of chains on february 22

one day i'll find the right one for me on january 17

NO MORE SHOPPING in 3, 2, 1... hooray!

2011-12-29T13:22:00.000-05:00

Art by Sarah Lazarovich
my ever brilliant and inspiring friend sarah (one of the writers, producers and directors behind NO HEART FEELINGS, the film i was in a couple years ago) is about to embark on her second year of not shopping and guess what? i'm going to join her. here are the rules:

In 2007 I didn’t shop. I could pick up used stuff or hand-me-downs if necessary, but otherwise I worked with my perfectly adequate wardrobe. Five years later, I’m taking another stab at it, and bringing Plum along for the ride. That girl has enough lace-trimmed leggings to last ’til college, and if she runs low, we’ll hit up a thrift store. Join us if you’re so inclined.

plum is her baby girl fyi. obviously food n booze are excluded. so i better go out and get whatever it is i'm going to need for the next 365 days. i will be beginning this january 1st. please stay tuned...

2011-12-28T01:53:00.000-05:00

2011-12-26T14:06:00.000-05:00

2011-12-24T19:42:00.001-05:00

missed mention of the winter solstice three days ago but things are looking up and hopefully that's how they stay. can't help but feel i witnessed a bunch of bad omens this year but i'm trying to look the other way. if i existed in another place and time would i be grouped with the possessed? whateves. the holier than thou crowd's pretty boring anyway.

got to have breakfast with cal this morning. twas a treat beyond treats. then wrapped presents while listening to the stone roses.

surprise surprise, i'm grossed out by excess.

presents are only effective if they are tactful, thoughtful, minimal.

it's like conversation, most of what is said isn't. most of what is given isn't bought. i never want to forget these things or get caught up in pretending. sometimes it's tough cause my family wants to give and provide the things they never had. but i still follow my own beliefs. like church at christmas. it's so packed, it makes me feel like i'm riding the ttc. but it's tradition, it makes my mother happy so it makes me happy. i try to get over myself in the right ways. i'm not saying it's easy or that i'm even successful most of the time.

i often wonder about the future and what sort of traditions i will want to continue once my parents are gone. i only hope i can be as selfless as to provide magic for whomever my family becomes.

happy december 24th y'all.

brother

2011-12-24T19:00:00.002-05:00

saw jake yesterday, the stars aligned it so.

photo featuring dan galea

2011-12-19T06:54:00.000-05:00

Dan Galea

Kim Jong-il has died at the age/sexual position 69.

2011-12-18T22:34:00.002-05:00

i wish that i could walk
you home

2011-12-18T22:08:00.002-05:00

last night when cal was brushing his hair before blowup, he said he felt like christopher walken. all yesterday i was hungover from friday night's union party so i spent the day lounging in bed, eating, rehydrating, reading and sleeping. it was dreamy fantastic. at 11PM i took the longest, hottest shower of the century, got dressed up and we went out dancing. we didn't take it too far cause the guys had a lot to do today and i just wanna feel good and healthy in general. just a few more days of work then more of the above to follow. olé yay, it's all ok.

solo mourning dance party

2011-12-16T06:54:00.003-05:00

amy in wunderland with dire straits

2011-12-15T21:44:00.005-05:00

so far i just can't see

post without the picture show/ deprivation dance

2011-12-15T21:36:00.002-05:00

sorry yall, i let the weekend elapse without a word.

our friend paul died suddenly at the end of last week and we left town, cal was a pallbearer and everything else stopped. that's the closest i can ever remember being to death and it sucked the life right outta me. it invigorated the importance of living real and expressing the love and admiration i feel for anyone i've let in. it's a struggle to see meaning in the day to dayness as it is and paul leaving this earth has hit that sentiment home in a profound way. twas a giant silencer in so many directions. the hole that is left in my heart is vast and indescribable. i can't believe he's gone. i can't think about it.

so everything pales in comparison to the brevity of life.

my goddamn laptop power cable got all hacked up from the weight on which i lean on it and i thought i'd teach myself a lesson and play piano and only write with a pen for a few days. aka deprive myself of any non work related computer activity. i'm always looking for alternate sources of dopamine so yea the break was good on all fronts. independence is bliss where matters of brain chemistry are concerned if that's not an impossibility.

the past few days where i got to see cal lots were the best. we would kiss and touch so often and it's making my heart ache so hard right now thinking about how awesome it was. i am such a needy of constant love and affection type, i must exhaust everyone but man. nothing beats it. nothing. i'm not even talking about sex, just lying side by side, like maybe some kissing but at least having our arms around one another. being alone. when we're like that it's like i'm on top of the world and when we're not it's like the most desolate deprived situation on the planet. i feel bad for having these needs. i feel inferior or mentally ill or immature, like a weirdo. if i were some kind of strong independent, self reliant realist, i would overcome these needs, see past them, move on. but i am HUNG UP and insatiable and sad though i'm not going to go there mentally. sad realms are permanently off limits. no thoughts aLLOWEd in the realm of the depressed. not that i'm depressed. i just need constant lovin and it's killing me. i have those terrible feelings with male friends when i don't see cal for days like this where i just want to throw myself into their arms and hope they'll catch me and hold me. not good.

steve wrote to me a few months ago and said he would love to come and save me but that he didn't think i really wanted saving. the truth is, i DO want to be saved but i think i need superman to do it. i'm not trying to evade responsibility for myself i just want to feel connected like from the tip of my toes to the top of my brain. i just want someone on all fronts not for a total of one hour broken up over seven days a week. feels like it's been that way for the past six months and that's only the tip of the iceberg, you don't even want to know the whole story. cal definitely makes me a priority, he is awesome at getting it and understanding my needs BUT he just doesn't always have time. they have to get the restaurant open and i think (hope?) i just need to be patient. but man. the years are flyin by. is this the destiny of all atheistic futures? not that i'm necessarily an atheist, i don't know what i am. but in times like these, god makes so much sense. i'm going to go with love instead. love. in the ceiling and floor and this screen and COME ON.

i am starving and i'm lazy in more ways than one. i have been in bed for the past 3 hours debating whether or not it's actually a pizza night. i shoulda ordered that fucker hours ago. sorry for the potty mouth, i am tired and lonely and slightly going nuts and refusing to allow it. i'm onto happy things though, right? sunshine lollipops and rainbows. puppies. smiles. kindness. the sun...

you are having trouble using MARS. goodbye.

2011-12-06T21:26:00.002-05:00

the way it is and the thing about things

2011-12-06T21:11:00.004-05:00

that was my beer and book.

i've been taking other pictures but i don't feel much like explaining it all. i want to remember and i want to forget and i just don't care.

the sink right now is like drip drip, drip drip and out of laziness i am deciding to review why patience is a virtue, via the infinite dribble of the kitchen tap. what elegance.

i'm by the window at the table waiting for cal's van to pull up. i have no idea when that will be. i hope he's having fun but i doubt he is. the guy is working like a maniac although he's keeping pretty chill about the whole situation. i already ate dinner, i've been home for almost two hours and i got hungry. he won't mind. the details of the meal are really boring but you know i'm going to relay them anyway cause i have nothing better do. that sentence isn't meant to make anyone feel bad, reality just is what it is. drum roll please.

the dinner:
boil spaghetti 5 minutes
add two leaves of cabbage to pot
cook all together for 2 minutes
strain
add chopped up tomatoes
garlic
onion
lightly drizzle in olive oil
add cut up chunks of provolone
sprinkle in romano and black pepper

it's so fresh and delicious and satisfying and cheap and healthy and fast. like no more than fifteen minutes fast. minimal activity, maximum benefits. la vie de la western delusion.

here. look at some fish i made two weekends ago since i didn't photograph the cabbage pasta thing.

this was talapia. i breaded it with flour and egg and some curry spices and had it on a curry of rice, potatoes and chick peas and rapini which you'd think wouldn't go but did, i basically use whatever greens i have and it usually works. this also took probably 15 minutes tops. did i tell you i have a gas stove?

i've been cooking lots at home and staying home and feeling good. i went into a skittish ball of loathing a couple weeks ago, like hating city life and the bullshit news, and everyone getting screwed. when it was all said and done, my spine felt like it had exploded into a million pieces then reconstituted itself. for real.

my latest mood remedy is a combination of pretending to be fine and imagining being dead and missing out on all these otherwise mundane and private moments. it's been making me feel a lot better. to avoid thinking about things in general, i do these mega power walks like on my lunch hour and after work in my hood and i cover great distance in short amounts of time. GREAT distance. yea, HUGE distance and i use a telescope and i'm on a skateboard and i have a cape and i'm called Travellla, 3 Ls Intentional, the Insatiable.

that might sound weird and unhealthy, the whole ignoring things bit, but i'm a hyper over thinker and it just has to stop. at a point. cause it's frustrating and redundant and it's driving me berserk. and i'm sick of toxic living. it starts in the head yo. i think i've got a pretty decent grip on the general life options in front of me, from the kind of work i do to the country i want to live in, to what i want to eat and how i want to feel and until i want to make some kind of mega change, i want to feel good and eat good and enjoy living and enjoy the day. so i'm going to. and i'm gonna walk it out. xx

2011-12-01T09:10:00.000-05:00

the latest from the gaping void:

the music of southern italy

2011-11-26T11:53:00.018-05:00

during my lunch hour on wednesday i went to see the vesuvius ensemble at the four seasons centre for the performing arts.

part of their free concert series, i wanted to catch in the shadow of the volcano: traditional music of southern italy since my family is from southern italy, since i love music and since i am always looking for something out of the ordinary to do with my time.

it was a lucky hour since we normally shoot until 12:30 at work every day and the concerts start at noon. i made it just in time and was told they were at capacity and had standing room only but this magic older woman found me a seat with a smile.

it was an acoustic performance on the 4th level of the building in an open concept area that could double for cocktail parties. the audience sat on steps and the three performers were down on the ground level.

they played baroque guitars called chitarra battentes, a large bass lute called a chitarrone,

and a bass heavy tambourine like drum called a tammorra which you traditionally slap while dancing the tarantella!

i was moved to tears. not bawling my eyes out but wet behind the eyelids. not that it takes a lot to get me wet behind the eyelids, but the sounds reminded me of the music we hear and dance to at family weddings, it conjured up images of the older generations dancing to the quick 4/4s. one of the most beautiful songs was called volumbrella which apparently is an old italian word for fig but also refers to the female genitalia.

if you click that volumbrella link, you can notice the interesting intonation at the end of each phrase. the final note is drawn out for an entire extra bar of music then released on the 3 leaving an impression of unusual, playful finitude. it makes the final 4 count sound like a beginning or gives a lilt to the new phrase that begins on the 1.

when you're familiar with the humour and musicality in the speech patterns of southern italians it seems fitting that our music would be written this way.

the tammorra is fast and low and bassy and wild yet controlled, it speaks directly to the centre of the body causing its listener to flush with sexual energy. at least that was my experience! it induced a feeling of awakening, a reminder.

the vesuvius ensemble played a tarantella, then they played an antidotum tarantulae which is (obviously?) the dance's antidote. an anti erection piece of music if you will.

like i said above, the tammorra is usually played while people dance the tarantella which is the traditional dance in calabria where my father was born. when i look it up, i find that the tarantella was originally a greek dance to honour apollo (god of sun and music) and dionysus (god of wine, ecstasy and ritualistic madness) but later in 16th and 17th century italy, its fast, rhythmic phrasings were used as a hypnotic dance that fended off the deadly bite of the tarantula, a bite which causes tarantism. apparently exposing oneself to the rhythm for long periods of time can alleviate depression and hysteria even today. so attending this concert, unbeknownst to me, was very timely on my part.

the whole of my father's family is from calabria. here it is:

one interesting thing i've always noticed in my family's music is how many quarter tone intervals it uses. i usually only hear those sounds in arabic and eastern composition.

pure speculation but i would say this is likely because of southern italy's proximity to the middle east.

i needed to be alone during that hour long concert but i wished for someone to share the moment with at the same time. someone who would like the music as much as me. or at least appreciate it in their own way. such is life i perpetually discover: there is a drive to be singular, myself, to do and be what only i want MIXED WITH the desire to find the love in my heart mirrored in the other.

it's an emotionally exhausting plight as i'm sure you all well know.

that night after the concert i got searching for more italian music and i found this most moving and beautiful performance that i have since bookmarked and listened to many times over the past couple days. much more modern but just as moving. it really gets outta hand by the end. something about its phrasing reminds me of something gaelic. i know too little about the history of world music, it would be such a fascinating study.

and that's about it i guess. it's amazing what one unusual hour can do for a person.

i imagine there are other canadians who feel like me, a constant connection to a faraway place that i can only know now through my canadian eyes. there is a vague sense of loss in this, of history, culture, language, food, humour. all in exchange for being able to work at the job i work at. so i don't have to live in the poverty my father's parents had to endure. so i don't have to work with my hands- although i feel much healthier when i do.

the more i learn about where i come from, the more context i have. and where there is context there is enhanced meaning. and with enhanced meaning the heart is ablaze with weight and light at once.

2011-11-21T12:03:00.001-05:00

my dad and his brothers last night

2011-11-20T19:57:00.007-05:00

my dad has a new coffee maker which is quite fancy as far as our family is concerned. before, we always used an espresso maker like this right on the stove:

2011-11-20T19:49:00.003-05:00

Cause I'm a reborn maggot using germ warfare. Rockin
Zzzzz...

2011-11-20T19:46:00.000-05:00

touch my bass

2011-11-20T19:17:00.004-05:00

mwah ha ha i'm going nuts.

if no one's in the 4th floor boardroom at 299 you can watch the sun kiss the city goodbye for the day.

or you can frantically wrap things up. i reap the merits of both.

‡ ‡ ‡ ‡ ‡ ‡ ‡

didn't take too many photos last week, i was on quiet mode. quiet mode rules and i wish my buttons would get stuck there.

2011-11-20T19:13:00.001-05:00

F♥ƎŦȉSH ŦΘЯŦΩRE

truths of hunger

without release

caught in the loop

mad matrix

live tonight sold out

from Possible Side Effects

2011-11-17T21:27:00.004-05:00

Instead I did none of these things. It was now five in the afternoon and I was still in my underwear. I'd been up since six A.M., watching British television and chewing nicotine gum. The pressure was building inside of me to go out. Do something. But I found it impossible to leave the television. Right then on BBC1, for example, somebody was painting a live turtle. And I didn't know why because their Irish accent was so thick I couldn't understand a word. But I couldn't think of any reason why somebody would paint a daisy on the shell of a turtle. What's more, it seemed to be a news program. So it was somehow topical and urgent. And I had to watch it.

-Augusten Burroughs

this just in (my brain)

2011-11-15T11:40:00.010-05:00

i was in the control room yesterday morning where channels like CP24 (which cal hilariously calls CITY PANIC 24) run alongside our daily show record and i noticed a guy on the news in a Guy Fawkes mask giving an address (coincidental since i just finished V for Vendetta this past weekend). it first aired on youtube and came from a group called anonymous who is threatening to take toronto off the internet- whatever that means- if occupy toronto protesters are asked to leave james park which they are being asked to do as i type this.

the current CP24 headline reads: 31 days after 'occupy toronto' began, protesters asked to leave. check a print article on the anonymous threats here. when i asked my colleague why anonymous hasn't been more in the news, she said because the news is biased. quotes from the article:

“We all have freedom of speech and opinions to express and they are doing it peacefully. There is no need for you to put an end to the occupation in Toronto.”

It went onto explain that it will not let the mayor “who uses vulgar language in public” get involved. “If you do not change your mind, you shall be removed from the Internet. We have already planned for this. So if we see any interruptions, we will launch the operation we have planned for a while.”

2011-11-15T06:46:00.000-05:00

found on a friend's FB page. don't know who did it.

sunmoon love

2011-11-14T07:01:00.005-05:00

from the guardian

2011-11-14T06:31:00.003-05:00

ROUTE 36 is the world's first cocaine bar. article excerpt:

This new trend of 'cocaine tourism' can be put down to a combination of Bolivia's notoriously corrupt public officials, the chaotic "anything goes" attitude of La Paz, and the national example of President Evo Morales, himself a coca grower. (Coca is the leaf, and cocaine is the highly manufactured and refined powder.) Morales has diligently fought for the rights of coca growers and tossed the US Drug Enforcement Agency (DEA) out of Bolivia. While he has said he will crack down on cocaine production, he appears to be swimming against the current. In early July, the largest ever cocaine factory was discovered in eastern Bolivia. Capable of producing 100kg a day, the lab was run by Colombians and provided the latest evidence that Bolivia is now home to sophisticated cocaine laboratories. The lab was the fourth large facility to be found in Bolivia this year.

got my senses strung out to the sky

2011-11-13T15:28:00.029-05:00

i generally like to think i am highly in tune with my body. being hyper sensitive to everything else that crosses my path it follows that the thing which i am closest to, my own body, should be acutely familiar to me. reality could not be further from this assumption. the eye never sees itself i guess, the more you know the less you know, or something. every month, around THAT time of the month, i am repeatedly blindsided by my own period.

today i took myself out for breakfast because the logical remedy for simultaneous hangovers and cramps would be to wait for food in public where i have to sit up and look conscious and pretend i don't hear 22 year old girls complaining about lost youth in six year old child voices and then keep my calm when asking for a side of toast when the omelette is served without it. WHO SERVES EGGS WITHOUT TOAST?!

when i was 22, i told my 40 something year old gay director friend that i felt like a gay man trapped in a woman's body. he said that's a new one and continued drinking. we were at a bar as we usually were and that day he told me i reminded him of a cheerleader. from that point forward he used the idea as an entertaining anecdote, the cheerleader gets beckett! go figure. people would laugh and look at me then back at him and laugh some more.

i hated the classification and since he makes his living casting people in roles they can believably pull off, i've worried about the truth of his diagnosis basically ever since. i am a misfit, an abnormal, alternative, a weirdo and all things uncheerleader. if i had to describe my inner landscape as an object, i'd pick butcher knife not pompom.

so my outsides betray my insides on multiple levels. bo-ring and DOESN'T EVERYONE FEEL THIS WAY? that's a shot of my elbow holding my book page open so i can rip toast from my mouth and read all at once. that's how i do breakfast. no pretending to be chipper or showered and painlessly catching up with friends on a sunday morning. nope. i hate that shit now. i am not lonely i am just alone and loathing everyone but augusten burroughs (can you tell?). i just read two books of his over the past couple weeks and yesterday started a third.

i finally finished v for vendetta, the movie, cause i'm at least five years behind in movies not to any dismay of my own. i'll literally watch anything from any era and frankly i'm turned off by whatever people are talking about aka current shit. haruki murakami said,

If you only read the books everyone else is reading, you can only think what everyone else is thinking.

bit of an overstatement i'd say but i like the point. so v for vendetta when the timing's right for me.

i watched the first half on november 5th. it was entertaining although the plot could've been treated more thoroughly, some important pivotal points were glazed over and rushed. also, natalie portman's british accent was borderline unbearable. but a cool concept. i wouldn't mind reading the comic series.

i'm sure there are lots of quotables from the film but my favourite was

there is a face beneath this mask but it's not me. i am no more that face than the muscles beneath it or the bones beneath them.

remember, remember and lest we forget.

friday was remembrance day. numbers wise, it was pretty whack, this is a capture of 11.11.11 @ 11. i couldn't have gotten two more 11s in there at 11:11:11 cause i was in the control room at work and by then we were back and rolling. i got, not sure how secretively, emotional and spent part of a minute belittling myself during our couple minutes break of silence to honour the people who handed over their lives so we can be free. somewhat free. on a scale of international freedoms, we rank very high in canada. but individually, we're only as free as we allow ourselves to be. but imagine that someone gave their life for me, jesus styles, even though we'll never meet. it's a pretty hard pill to swallow and fathom and keep in mind and the whole disbelief dance. but give it an honest effort for crying out loud.

these are massive digressions. cal and i went on a date last night. we went to the caledonian just so i could annoy cal and say amy and cal do the cal. we had delicious fish and chips and the most amazing tartar sauce explosion and lots of beer. then we walked up to bloor and went to the piston and drank the night away. man was that necessary. i haven't thrown down with the man in ages since he's been working doubles at canada post then at the restaurant on nights and weekends. it was a romantic and sloppy night. the best kind. i love to look into his eyes, i love his profile, i love the shape of his nose. these things sound juvenile but i've been missing him like mad. good tactic to remember that absence and a heart grown fonder thing. and his opinion. i need it. for everything. not because i can't think for myself obviously but just because i hold his opinion in such high regard. calvin's opinions are unfettered and they are his own and he is tactful. everyone who knows him wants to know what he thinks.

a couple years ago i sang this at the jesus and mary chain tribute night. that ruled.

ps: i am a hyper hypo. someone knock me out.

2011-11-08T23:32:00.002-05:00

work it all out

photo feature kristina ileana koski

2011-11-08T10:11:00.009-05:00

Kristina Ileana Koski i feel weird.

Christie Johnson i always feel weird.

Kristina Ileana Koski that helps actually.

Christie Johnson ‎:D

Pete Carmichael me too :)

Kristina Ileana Koski ok guys, group hug.

Sugar Pistol me too!

Femke Berkhout never had a normal moment yet... weired

Pete Carmichael wired for life

Michelle Hickey I feel fine.

Christie Johnson ‎^^ ahahahah jerk.

Richard Reid Gibson haha good one michelle! i feel fine,totally clear headed and on the ball,ready to take on lifes challenges with crystal clear vision and perception.

Pete Carmichael you smug fucks! :)

Richard Reid Gibson
Don't doubt yourself babe - The Byrds

Richard Reid Gibson
13th Floor Elevators - Reverberation (RARE uptempo version)

Pete Carmichael

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=PJmvfUIMol0

Giles Farnaby found this 45 on sunday. orig. radio promo. 7 bucks. JS gloat

2011-11-06T17:31:00.002-05:00

my dad and sister and i got into a big discussion about all kinds of ideas and it was the best. we ate a super delicious lunch including some pies davy made. my sister was home for the weekend, so it was a rare get together. the best. we talked about the beauty of the leaves on this tree here, what makes the sight so beautiful. my dad kept saying but why bother thinking about that stuff but then someone would say something that would peak his interest and we'd be back into it.

2011-11-06T17:27:00.002-05:00

2011-11-06T17:13:00.003-05:00

loved his golden heart til i got black and blue and he got thin, we knew it like none other in the cold and in the bed, he got it like none other, in the cold and in the bed, we knew it like none other, til he got thin, and i got black and blue and loved his golden heart

2011-11-02T19:36:00.001-04:00

2011-11-02T16:20:00.003-04:00

not that i have complete faith in that statement. maybe there's luck involved maybe there isn't. whatever. i agree with the rest.

2011-10-30T23:21:00.001-04:00

from the gaping void

oh nightingale

2011-10-30T18:01:00.005-04:00

isn't it crazy how the vibrations of sound actually affect your body? this song does beautiful things to me. how can i ever repay?

it's the most wonderful time of the year

2011-10-30T15:17:00.032-04:00

warning: i will be spelling hallowe'en with the annoying apostrophe.

i know you want to see my peacock costume from every angle but hold yer horses. full frontal to follow.

i took some shots at our local pub by work earlier this week.

insert maniacal laughter.

my friday leg.

at the end of my four hour walk yesterday, i checked the drug store quick to see if they still didn't have what i really need and lo, i walked right into a parade.

THE GRAVY is a reference to our current embarrassment of a mayor who, before he got elected based his entire platform on eliminating something he called the gravy train which it turned out surprise surprise does not exist. his theory was, get rid of everyone at city hall and bring in his friends or some such nonsense and we'll save a ton of money which was just bad math so then he threatened to close our libraries and some other hilariously frightening propositions and yea, called 911 operators bitches. this is the biggest city in canada being run by a one trick frat boy.

SORRY! IT'S HALLOWE'EN!!! must keep things tastefully scary.

on with the parade.

if you know me then you know my undying passion for hallowe' en and my ridiculously massive collection of costumes which i try to keep quiet about every year cause no one likes a bragger and people rarely really care about what other people love anyhow, but you came to my blog by your own volition so guess what? i LOVE hallowe'en and i LOVE parades and i LOVE music and i LOVE all things macabre so long as they don't get popularized cause when the mystery wans so does my interest, so can you guess what i did when i ran right into a hallowe'en/ day of the dead/ samba squad meets new orleans style parade that was stopping traffic?

i joined the parade. couldn't help myself.

followed it all around town.

hallowe'en is all about the kids and blah blah blah sure, as long as kids are 5 foot 5 and shave their armpits.

gigantic dancing marionette puppet monsters are by far the best artifice humankind has ever fabricated.

live action shot numero uno:

and this is what was samba-esque about it:

i took about 15 minutes trying to get this shot below with that indecipherable palace in the bottom left corner for you fuckers so you better bloody well appreciate it AND i will not be apologizing for the potty mouth cause it's so easy to be a dom from this angle and anyway, i can tell you like it.

i'm pretty good at last minuting costumes i have to say. my entire existence is last minute, i have zero strategy and i don't plan ahead. see, if i were an artist like my friends in stop motion, i would work on a masterpiece for a month. i would be a walking work of art. but i am not like them. and they are not like me. and that's why we get along.

so i bought this cheap mask on friday at lunch plus i still had peacock feathers in my room from living with steve who i think got them from tom. they sure came in handy last night muchos graçias guys!!

full frontal as promised.

i call this one:

THE WAY THINGS LOOK FROM HERE

this is my friend brian scarth who hosted last night's party and he's not to be confused with bryan madorsky whom i always write about saving my life, etc. brian scarth also saves my life cause when we party together we do things like kiss and dance and he swings me around.

that's my friend kristin in white and her twin sister as a witch. i think we three were the only non med students at the party. everyone was like are you in my class? and i was like i don't know, am i? also, brian has a PHD, it's on the wall behind us, i met him when he started working in steve's lab in maybe 2004. also, that's the city of toronto behind us jeeze. do i need to spell everything out for you? brian lives on the 23rd floor of a 24 floor building. he said he wanted the 24th but all those apartments were taken. i said maybe next year.

lots of hot chicks AND ALL OF THEM ARE GOING TO BE DOCTORS.

as a girl, it's always a good idea to plan a costume with another girl cause it just doubles the trouble and everyone in the room will be like WHO are THEY? if you're into that sort of thing. i generally prefer to show up alone, get wasted in the corner and decipher which relationships in the room are on the brink of demise. i like to place bets with myself on who will be happy and who will be sad. i like to make eyes at the way hot guy in the black cowboy hat who i get to talk with briefly before the end of the party then never tell him that his girlfriend prefers his taller, richer friend, the guy who can't tell his ass from his mouth. i don't say drop her you can do better cause then he thinks i want him all over me and maybe i do but i'm really just trying to withhold good advice. dude, you're in a room full of doctors, a lot of these chicks have it together. your girlfriend is not not one of these people. all things unspoken come out in the eyes. i withhold it like i see it. what more can i not do?

CANDY TABLE NUMBER ONE! it's a weird angle and i fucked with the colours but that's a real live chocolate fountain on the table. brian's apartment actually smelled like a hallowe'en loot bag. you can't fake that shit yo. you need REAL TIME candy.

brian goes all out for hallowe'en. i remember this from montreal when he threw the last hallowe'en party i attended in la belle province. it was right before steve and i broke up. i was a dead ballerina. brian dressed his cat SCAR up that night as whatever pet that is in harry potter don't make me look it up. you read the books and went batty over the movies, you know, i don't, let's move on.

wick.

brian also has amazing non hallowe'en related paraphernalia all over his apartment, ie: this cardboard moose mount in glasses.

or perhaps you prefer his sneezing kleenex box. whatever. they're only things, don't fall in love with them too much.

these final shots are my unadulterated, virgin end of the night photos.

i post these to demonstrate that my blog is not all smoke and mirrors. i can be a REAL girl too. see past the costume, past the picture.

lars and the real girl was bizarre. i can't remember the ending.

real girl is code for i am a mess and my mask ended up on the side of my sweaty head before the end of the night. whatever. i could be proper and clean and have a glass of wine and say oh dear! i think i`ve had eNOUGH but that would be a lie. i'm off to carve a pumpkin and cook something delicious whilst listening to the music of my choosing.

PS: was there a time change? i can't figure this out. i hate this shit. remember the time change from last spring? officer pagnotta had to drop in and sort me out:

bristol yard continued

2011-10-30T13:46:00.012-04:00

and the beat goes on.

not sure exactly how much help i actually was at the restaurant yesterday. i did take some artsy photographs and if i recall from being a child, just watching can be helping.

davy made fire fly.

i actually did do a small bit of work, i primed the top of the benches along the wall and put these little square pads on the bottoms of all the tables and organized the tools for the guys. then i took a walk.

it was a long walk and i am a small girl so i took my time, got the blood moving, i walked for four hours and then felt like i deserved a cookie. or a bottle of wine. or a magnum of wine consumed in two hours whilst dressed as a peacock.

kidding. i didn't drink a magnum, but i did drink a bottle. for the record i was not alone, i was at a party so that makes it ok right? everyone else was overindulging so if i weren't then i'd be the odd guy out. right? RIGHT?

enough about me. how's about that there man then, eh? feedin ye olde birds in the park. a sight that never dulls. right after i took this picture some man used the moment as an excuse to strike up conversation with me. and being the lady that i am, when strange men want to talk park bird feedings, i tend to use the moment for complete moral self-re-evaluation.

angle one has me a presumptuous pickle assed prude who assumes a man is obviously only interested in the bird between my thighs since he even looked in my direction but angle two has me a naive and ditzy slut who believes a man must so badly need to discuss the wing-ed plight with a stranger in the park. i've been told numerous times by a variety of sources to FORGET the third option, that a person might merely be friendly, the urban version of neighbourly if you will, and just trying to make pleasant autumnal conversation so i try to avoid considering that possiblity but truth be told it always seems most likely but whatever. i am had by that trick, now you know, please don't take advantage of me.

my tactic is full tilt conversation about birds until the conversation changes to OTHER STUFF, then i just send the person psycho get off me vibes and that usually works. but for the record, the man was kinda handsome and i wouldn't have minded walking a ways with him and i suppose that's wrong. i know there are lots of psychopathic hunks out there and i tend to attract craziness so because of this, i generally steer clear of everyone. everyone.

holding hands, gazing into each other's eyes THAT way

2011-10-30T12:18:00.007-04:00

well hello there and thank you SO much for the warm welcome.

what say we take a little capitalist jaunt through the neighbourhood then shall we?

please enter me here.

by the way starbucks, your beautifully mounted collages of everyone really enjoying themselves gathering coffee beans in the third world is a real slap in the face, at best, a terrible choice of decor. we'd rather not stare at the people we exploit PRETENDING to be happy about us paying six dollars for every mocha frappa fuck cup of their back breaking labour. truthfully, we all know the featured models are literally starving to death whilst we north americans struggle with obesity. MUST you shove your sociopathic business model cocks down our throats while we hand the money over? F. you guys fail and suck and i want more coffee.

cal and i took a small breather from working at the restaurant yesterday to top the java up and a purchase a few NEEDED things from honest eds, honestly, not just capitalist candy i promise.

but i double dog dare YOU to try and leave honest eds with only the purchases you intended to buy in hand. it is a feat among feats.

why? because we are visual, sexual, insecure people who freak out when we are shown mountains of colourful, poorly made things. when i see a fluorescent spatula hanging amidst an array of other plastic fluorescent kitchen sticks that'll melt or break or look filthy by next year, i absolutely temper tantrum have to have one.

i don't care that everything made in china is DESIGNED TO BREAK DOWN within 24 hours. i am unsatisfied with my life and i need a quick fix. and for $1.99, what do i have to lose? i can buy 10 useless things, ALL made in china over the course of a year for only $20, maybe 500 useless things made in china over the course of 50 income earning years for only $1,000. times the 5 million people in the greater toronto area, and yea! that's 5 BILLION dollars from the GTA alone going to a foreign economy that is raping our homeland industries, putting all the canadians out of business but fuck it! that hot girl whose home i was at for dinner the other night has a brand new fluorescent pink plastic spatula made in china that will be in a heap of garbage SOMEwhere by this time next year but it won't be in my face so I WANT ONE TOO.

mary mary mary. don't you wink at me.

heads. hottest items in the store. apparently not for sale.

i want this light covering. again. only $2.99. my current glass light cover sucks balls. new new new new new new new. better better better better better better better. hotter hotter hotter hotter hotter hotter hotter. best best best best best best best. do i win?

2011-10-29T07:33:00.006-04:00

these pics are from julia's house last weekend when we hired her body building friend to come pose for a bunch of us so we could practice drawing. i enjoy the drawing part but i also suck. and i don't feel bad about sucking and sucking does not deter me from partaking. i'd like to say i know my limits where visual art is concerned but the truth is i don't. sometimes something works and i like it. not often but sometimes and not often but sometimes is fun enough for me.

2011-10-26T09:21:00.000-04:00

he's the exec producer so he doesn't really know much about it.

2011-10-25T18:58:00.001-04:00

2011-10-25T18:57:00.000-04:00

just say it's all from too much freedom, too many fingers and too many things
don't leave me lonely don't leave me unhappy just bring me up into your fate holdin on tight til my love is crossed you are my spirit now you are gone

2011-10-25T18:44:00.004-04:00

can't even credit this cause i don't remember who i stole it from

2011-10-25T16:25:00.000-04:00

don't bother me

2011-10-24T06:32:00.004-04:00

One day maybe a year and a half ago, my friend Heather sent me this poem by John Donne. It's called THE FLEA. I've read it dozens of times since.

ARK but this flea, and mark in this,

How little that which thou deniest me is ;

It suck'd me first, and now sucks thee,

And in this flea our two bloods mingled be.

Thou know'st that this cannot be said

A sin, nor shame, nor loss of maidenhead ;

Yet this enjoys before it woo,

And pamper'd swells with one blood made of two ;

And this, alas ! is more than we would do.

O stay, three lives in one flea spare,

Where we almost, yea, more than married are.

This flea is you and I, and this

Our marriage bed, and marriage temple is.

Though parents grudge, and you, we're met,

And cloister'd in these living walls of jet.

Though use make you apt to kill me,

Let not to that self-murder added be,

And sacrilege, three sins in killing three.

Cruel and sudden, hast thou since

Purpled thy nail in blood of innocence?

Wherein could this flea guilty be,

Except in that drop which it suck'd from thee?

Yet thou triumph'st, and say'st that thou

Find'st not thyself nor me the weaker now.

'Tis true ; then learn how false fears be ;

Just so much honour, when thou yield'st to me,

Will waste, as this flea's death took life from thee.

would this bikini like me as much as i like it?

2011-10-23T10:28:00.005-04:00

tony was an integral part of tosca delfino's latest line of swimwear which was presented last week at LG Fashion Week Spring 2012 in toronto.

delfino used a tony cicero photo of the toronto city skyline on a bathing suit and a skirt. he also edited the visuals of one of the models skydiving in a tosca delfino bikini which opened her latest line.

check out his post and video on the event here.

here's what the national post had to say.

108lbs in corduroy

2011-10-23T09:48:00.005-04:00

welcome to a new category in my ever narcissistic blogosphere called

WHAT BECOMES ME.

the gain weight diet's going alright. i've gained anywhere from 3 to 5 pounds over the last month but i'm aiming for a MINIMUM of 5 more.

davy brought cal and i homemade, hand risen, amazingly unworldly, perfect for this time of year pies at the beginning of the week, most of them are meat, mine are cheese and onion and oh my god they melt in your mouth like a delicious chunk of fantasy/heaven. you never want it to end.

every morning i try to eat a big fatty bagel with cheese and egg and tomato, none of this healthy whole wheat toast which i know has so many more nutrients and will keep me full for longer. no, i need to increase the hunger, increase the fat, increase the inactivity. it's like atkins in reverse.

all that being said i still like to get some exercise. i can't help it. even if it's a long walk at lunch in the rain. just keeps me vibrant, keeps the chi moving, cursing through me right to the old finger/ toe tips. once you've felt it, it becomes a basic need.

last sunday was busy cause i saw grae all day then went to see my friend morgan at night. when i came back, i HAD to eat something but didn't want to spend much time cooking but wanted to feel healthy and full and satisfied and fat.

the dish above is a typical go to in the aforementioned mood. steamed bok choy, white rice and an egg fried in a little sesame oil, a little olive oil. serve in a HUGE bowl, must eat with chopsticks, have soy sauce and hot sauce on hand.

and i like to keep some good irish whiskey in house in case of sore throat, fever, depression, happiness, exhaustion, too much energy, good music on the radio, rain, sun, snow. it really is a cure all. so maybe i've been known to dopamine deplete the hell out of myself every other day or so. whateves. she comes and goes. whiskey will never walk out on you. provided you stock well.

2011-10-22T18:36:00.002-04:00

this is my i attempted to write a short story but didn't follow through with it and actually don't even care pose.

graesama

2011-10-22T18:06:00.003-04:00

last weekend grae came to town and we had FUN we had half pints and walked around and grae checked out a nurse costume in regards to halloween. we did some reminiscing. i feel so myself when i get to hang out with him i wish he were always around.

2011-10-20T00:39:00.000-04:00

minus emotion

on it

2011-10-15T09:53:00.003-04:00